"Fear and Hope" by Ronojoy Hem ('19)

          It is the 7th of March in the year 3094 and I am R1144028. I was born on the 6th of January in the year 3078. My friends are allowed to call me R for short. I am allowed to interact with my friends whom I am allowed to call J, Q, P and M. Every morning I wake up at 6.30 AM and take my supplements. I take capsule number seven to go to X044 Academy where for the following twelve hours I watch lectures on our newly furnished 5400p holograph projectors. When I get back home my mother greets me by shaking my hand and serves me synthetic protein and a vitamin B12 pill. I then proceed to perform the most important task of the day: taking my stabilizers in the form of an injection. The intake of stabilizers was declared mandatory by the government exactly 103 years ago. They void units of physical pain and emotions. They are the foundation for our modern peaceful society. Thanks to the introduction of stabilizers crime rates are at zero percent and efficiency has increased by 300% and thus we are able to live in a world where all our needs are satisfied. There is no famine, disease or war. Our jobs, partners, friends and activities are decided for us by highly sophisticated algorithms set by the government. Frighteningly for a small portion of unlucky units the stabilizers are not effective. Those units are then deactivated. The cause of the ineffectiveness of the stabilizers on these units is unknown but it usually occurs among developing teens when the dosage of stabilizers is slowly and carefully increased. After finishing University, I will have a job at AMCORP in the sector for research regarding stabilizers. I am very satisfied with my deputation. As for a partner I have been paired with K1144128. We are not allowed to interact until we are to turn 24 therefore I am not allowed to call her K for short as of yet. She is a female of average height and build. Her interests are gardening, cooking and sewing. I am satisfied with my delegated partner. In the past few days I’ve noticed a few anomalies in my emotional index and have thus been assigned an increased dosage of stabilizers. Due to the uptake of dosage I feel a bit lethargic throughout the day. For a few moments before the intake of my stabilizers I feel a rather unpleasant sensation where my heart beats faster and I perspire more so than usual. Due to this recent transgression my time in school has been decreased by 30% and I have given more hours of sleep and a one hour slot where a researcher monitors my conditions.
           It is the 25th of March in the year 3094 and the anomalies on my emotional index have increased. Researcher no. O1127 has decided to increase the dosage of stabilizers. My physical activity has been reduced to only 20% of what it once was before and I am no longer allowed to attend any classes. My skin is  pale white and I no longer have any hair on my body. I have been vomiting frequently and am losing weight rapidly. It is difficult to explain but I actually look forward to getting that unpleasant feeling where my heart beats faster and I perspire too much. I have been told by researcher no. O1127 that this feeling is called fear. I have been told that this is an emotion induced by a sense of threat I perceive which causes changes in my behavior and in the functions of my organs. Recently my spells of fear have gotten more and more intense. I have tried to find the source of this fear and have pinpointed it to my possible deactivation. This emotion intrigues me and I do not understand why I prefer this unpleasant feeling over the feeling of calm indifference when I am on stabilizers.
          It is now the 7th of April and I am set to be deactivated tonight. They have stopped providing me all dosages and I have been ordered to record my emotions in written form so that it may be used for research. I’m having great difficulty writing this as my hand keeps trembling. My face is currently of a red hue and I have streams of water running down my cheeks. I am told these are called tears. For some reason I feel like vomiting. My body is shivering and I’ve made several useless attempts to escape out of the straps they have me in. I immediately find  all my reactions to be very intriguing. I have been told the methods for deactivation are archaic and will subject me to great physical pain. I have recently familiarized myself with a strong physical pain when I suddenly punched the metal desk while I was trying to write this report. I have been told this feeling is called frustration and is often accompanied with fear. From the moment of comprehension we units are taught that death is followed by a state of nothingness but for some reason at this moment I find myself continually indulging in this fantasy where I will continue to exist where I will be free to be fearful and frustrated among other things. I have been told this indulgent of fantasy is called hope. I find this to be a very pleasant emotion.